Sunday, 22 November 2009

At Home With The Goncs - Parties 'R' Us!

Sofia and Goncalo

(What Big Ears You Have)

SOFIA: Goncalo, what shall we do to celebrate Christmas and The New Year?

GONCALO: I thought we could hold two very large parties and tick off the neighbours, when we fight and brawl in the street and drive cars around the neighbourhood really fast.

SOFIA: But I thought all your assets have been frozen? (His assets have been frozen a long time)

GONCALO: They have, but that doesn't matter, I can get money.

SOFIA: How come? From where?

GONCALO: Don't bother yourself about it, just order the fireworks before they sell out of all the best most expensive ones.

SOFIA: OK darling, how many shall I order?

GONCALO: Oh around €3000/€4000 should do a nice little display.

SOFIA: Where shall we hold the parties?

GONCALO: Same place we held my birthday bash.

SOFIA: What about if we get "unwelcome guests"?

GONCALO: Don't worry about that, I will have them beaten up and tortured without dirtying my hands.

SOFIA: Oh you are such a big (coward) brave man Goncalo.

GONCALO: Yes I know, and the best thing is I never have to wash my hands or make my own sheet (bed)

SOFIA: Do you think you could write a book about it?

GONCALO: Maybe, what could I call it?

SOFIA: How about; 'How To Torture Innocent People - Without getting Your Hands Dirty?'

GONCALO: Good idea. But first I have to go to the bank to withdraw money to pay for our parties and I must stop off on the way back to buy my large finest cigars.

SOFIA: I hope you are not going (whoring) drinking in the bars of Portimao again!

GONCALO: No of course not, but I have to pop in to see my friends and to speak in a very loud voice so everyone can overhear me, you know how I love to sound important.

SOFIA: [Under her breath- Yes full of carp]

GONCALO: What was that about a harp?

SOFIA: Oh nothing Gonky darling, anyway, I thought the nasty McCanns and judges have had all our bank accounts frozen?

GONCALO: Oh I am going to the bank and raiding the account Joana Morais set up for me.

SOFIA: But I thought that account was in the name of Paulo Sargento, that friend of the FFF? and that the money was supposed to be for your defense?

GONCALO: Who the flip is this FFF?

SOFIA: You know, your friend too, the Fat French Fantasist, Duarte Levy, that one who was (cough, cough) a friend of Joana Morais.

GONCALO: Oh yes of course, he gave me all my ideas for the Madeleine investigation and for making millions €'s off of Madeleine, but that dirty rat has not come up with the 24 photos he promised me yet!

SOFIA: He also hasn't repaid Joana for her mobile phone either and she isn't too pleased apparently.

GONCALO: Well don't worry about that now, Joana Morais has kindly sent Paulo Sargento a bank card and he is giving it to me to make withdrawals, so don't worry my darling, we will have the best Christmas and New year ever.

SOFIA: Oh aren't people so wonderful to donate to your (Christmas and New Year festivities and fireworks) Defense?

GONCALO: Yes especially all those old age pensioners who have been coerced into donating their pensions - so very kind.

SOFIA: But if you spend that money on fireworks, wine, fine food and cigars etc, how will you pay for your defense?

GONCALO: Defense? Why do you keep on about this defense? I have no defense.

SOFIA: Yes dear, I know you have no defense, you know you have no defense, but the donating sheeples, they do not seem to know you have no defense.

GONCALO: I know, it is very good, this means that they will keep on donating, the money will keep on rolling in and we can keep (living the high life) it for my defense.

SOFIA: But if Joana raises the money for your defense you will have to go to court and you will need money to pay for a lawyer and if you keep spending the defense money, you will not be able to go to court to prove you are innocent!

GONCALO: Yes exactly, stupid woman, so what is the problem? But you are so thick!

SOFIA: [Penny drops and sighs] drat I thought I would get rid of you for a few years

GONCALO: What? Speak up woman I can't hear you.

SOFIA: [Deaf B******d you weren't meant to] Oh nothing dear, I couldn't bear losing you.

GONCALO: Oh I know how you feel, I am such a stud after all.

SOFIA: Yes Goncalo you are such a (dud) stud, how come you know Joana Morais so well?

GONCALO: (Sigh) Don't start all of that again.

SOFIA: I mean it Goncalo, if I catch you at it again and with this Joana, I will do more than throw your clothes and shoes into the bar this time.

GONCALO: Oh and what can you do? Remember I can do anything I want and I don't get my hands dirty, remember the other Christmas?

SOFIA: Yes I remember when you threatened to kill me and took our little daughter for a ride in the police car after you had been drinking.

GONCALO: Yes and I got away with it, I told you, I can get away with anything.

SOFIA: [Under her breath sighs Fat evil pig]

GONCALO: What? What did you say?

SOFIA: Oh nothing dear, I just said, (fat evil pig) 'that wig'

GONCALO: Wig? What is it with this wig?

SOFIA: The one I'm buying you for Christmas to cover your bald spot on the back of your fat lying head.

GONCALO: I haven't got a bald spot and I thought you were buying me the other earring?

SOFIA: Of course dear [fat bald pig] I hear they have also started the Unca Am Earring Fund

GONCALO: Is there an echo in here?

SOFIA: Maybe since they repossessed all the furniture, it does echo a bit.

GONCALO: Walking around waving his arms about, mutters and cusses a few times. That furniture was old anyway, when is all the new stuff coming?

SOFIA: When we have paid for it.

GONCALO: [Blasted people taking all my lovely money away] Never mind, I'll get the money for the furniture later, when I am at the bank of Joana Morais.

SOFIA: How are you getting to the bank baldy? They have confiscated your top of the range Jaguar worth €80.000.

GONCALO: Don't worry, Paulo Cristavoa is giving me a lift, he is coming along with Baptista and Fernando, they are bringing their "shots". And stop calling me baldy, it is bad for my stud image.

SOFIA: That was such a nice car dear! How did you get it?

GONCALO: It was nothing really, I just lied a lot.

SOFIA: Oh no change there then, they say you must stick to what you know best.

SOFIA: Goncalo, I was thinking, if you go to court, will you have Dr Antonio Cabrita represent you?

GONCALO: Well stop thinking, what have I told you about thinking? Women are not meant to think, they are just there for cooking, washing, and cleaning etc and er (cough) the other.

SOFIA: The other? What is this other? Never mind that, what about Dr Cabrita?

GONCALO: He is useless, I would like to make his sheet without dirtying my hands (Goncalo Shouts) WHY DO YOU KEEP ON ABOUT THIS CABRITA ANYWAY?

SOFIA: Oh no reason, I think he likes my ears.

GONCALO: Ears? Why you say ears?

SOFIA: Oh no reason dear. ("ear, ear")

GONCALO: What do you say that I ask that lawyer Dr Marcos Aragao Correia to represent me? He is excellent lawyer you know.

SOFIA: Yes I know he is, [he certainly done you up] but he will never represent you, he hates you, he thinks you are a cloven beast [you are]

GONCALO: Oh it doesn't matter what he thinks, I can bully, intimidate, torture and threaten him into submission into representing me.

SOFIA: He doesn't scare easily Goncalo, [he is not a defenseless woman or the distraught parents of an abducted child] I think he will laugh and spit in your face and stamp on your cloven hoof.

GONCALO: No matter, I will send around Baptista, Fernando and Cristovao, to threaten him with their shots and sheets and horns.

SOFIA: What like Dr Joao Grade?

GONCALO: Exactly! Who told you about him?

SOFIA: Oh no one I just guessed [thug], but I don't think it will work, Dr Correia has principles!

GONCALO: Sigh, you are right, maybe I will have to stick with the useless Dr Antonio Cabrita, but no funny business with him and your ears!

SOFIA: Oh no Goncalo, but that reminds me, how is Felicia Cabrita?

GONCALO: Eh? Who told you about her?

SOFIA: No one, I saw the bank account and smelled her perfume, you know I have the best nose in Portimao, I am known for it.

GONCALO: Yes your nose is certainly [big enough] good.

SOFIA: You can talk, your nose grows each time you speak.

GONCALO: You really need to stop this and better not walk near any stairs, or you will be wearing those huge designer glasses [that little Madeleine bought you] again.

SOFIA: Well just stay away from my ears!

GONCALO: We need to reflect on the trouble I am in. What do you think?

SOFIA: I think it is your mess and [hopefully you will go to prison for a long time] you need to clear it up, you know lie to the Portuguese public some more.

GONCALO: Good idea, I can tell them anything and they will believe me, if they don't I can threaten them and their families.

SOFIA: What about the British public?

GONCALO: I don't know, I have tried to lie to them and threaten them, but they just tell me to go forth and multiply, I cannot understand it, they are not one bit scared of me.

SOFIA: I don't understand, I thought Joana Morais and Tony Bennett, had done a good job on them and they all believed your lies?

GONCALO: Oh that is just some of them, just the idiots like Brenda Ryan, Tony Bennett and Thug and the pathetico sheeples like the racist Greens and that thick Ambernoodle head etc.

SOFIA: Are you telling me that nearly all of the British public do not believe your lies and are not scared of your threats?


SOFIA: Well then, I am not going and you can tell Tony Bennett to take the sex and go option, because there is no way I am going to his draughty church hall for his annual Konference, just to get humiliated and embarrassed.

GONCALO: I can't go on my own, I wont have anyone to translate for me and apparently I will have to stay at Debbie's house.

SOFIA: I thought Debbie and Tony had fallen out?

GONCALO: Oh don't worry they'll kiss and make up!


SOFIA: I think your [bully boy thugs] friends have arrived, time for you to go to the bank of Joana.

GONCALO: See you later.

SOFIA: Remember to get me a few thousand euros, for the children's Christmas gifts

GONCALO: OK and you remember to order those fireworks and book the restaurant for our parties.

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