I feel desperately for Kate McCann - her life has been ruined, she loathes the spotlight

By JUSTINE MCGUINESS
Last updated at 00:20am on 27th April 2008

I will never forget the pain that registered across their faces: primordial pain that no actor, however skilled, could reproduce.

Kate McCann didn't make a sound, her husband Gerry sat upright in his seat.

"You realise that if you get your daughter back you might not know her," warned the Portuguese child-welfare expert.

"What she will have experienced will have changed her beyond recognition."

It was the moment, I suspect, that Kate and Gerry began to realise that there would be no truly happy ending, whatever the outcome of their daughter Madeleine's disappearance.

It was mid-summer last year and the meeting was held in a second-floor apartment, my make-shift office, incongruously decorated, it seemed, with primary colours, like the set of a breakfast TV programme.

Sunshine streamed through the open window and the sound of children playing outside filled the room.

The warning came without preamble and jolted our senses. I'm sure it was not meant to be delivered quite so insensitively; the fact that English was not the woman's first language must have accounted, in part at least, for its bluntness.

Afterwards, Gerry told me how deeply upset it had made Kate. I didn't need to be told. Kate's emotions at such times weren't difficult to read.

For four extraordinary months I was at her side. At first hand, I witnessed her despair and devastation, the times, as well, when her spirits lifted – however fleetingly – with every scrap of positive information.

And once she was made a suspect, amid ceaseless media speculation, I watched her life fall apart.
Almost every morning she and Gerry would come to see me, usually armed with croissants which they bought in Baptista's, the village store, after dropping off their then two-year-old twins Amelie and Sean at kids' club.

I could tell instantly if Kate had had a good night or not.

If she was upset, possibly because of what had been in the papers or because of the approach of a poignant anniversary, I would know better than to offer a trite: "What's wrong?"

Instead I'd ask her to sit down and let her know that I was making tea. We always drank tea, endlessly, it seemed.

And if Kate wanted to talk about what was on her mind, she would do so. I just let her come out with it.

I began acting as their Press spokeswoman in June, having been interviewed by Gerry in London. They struck me as a couple deeply committed to each other.

They treated each other with care and great respect. And as well as displaying affection, they communicated constantly.

If they were physically apart they would be on the phone, all the time, and not just because of their extraordinary situation – I imagine they were always like that.

They are both intelligent. Kate is sharp and witty and self-deprecating; she is naturally shy but is the sort of woman you can sit down with and have a decent conversation.

Gerry is presentable and single-minded, an alpha male to his fingertips. Indeed, I expect even he would admit that his manner may have rubbed some of the Portuguese police up the wrong way at times.

On the first day I met Kate, they were waiting for me at Faro airport, and greeted me with a friendly: "Hello, Justine."

In the car on the way to Praia da Luz we set to work straight away, finalising plans to release balloons on the beach later that day to mark the 50th day since Madeleine's disappearance.
When the balloon launch was over, I watched as Portuguese women touched and hugged Kate, offering their support and telling her to have courage. It was deeply moving.

Later, Kate took me on a tour of the village. "That's the apartment," she whispered, nodding towards the place from where Madeleine had disappeared.

She also pointed out the home of Robert Murat, a suspect in the case, and the church that provided so much support to her.

Justine says that on the flight home she remembers thinking that unless Madeleine was found, the McCanns would never be able to fully rebut speculation and rebuild their lives.

Meal times were always a family affair. At supper, it occurred to me just how ordinary this scene would have appeared to an outsider. A normal family, passing the salad around the table and laughing with their children.

There were quite a few light moments: I remember how Kate was frequently teased about her intense dislike of sweetcorn.

There might also be talk about relatives coming out to join them, or other practical matters, but rarely during meal times, because of the children, talk of Madeleine.

Sometimes the twins, who began learning to talk in Praia, mentioned Madeleine themselves, however.

I remember Amelie saying: "That's Madeleine's" as she pointed at Cuddle Cat, the toy Kate carried with her at all times because it reminded her of the daughter she loved and missed.
Once, I remember Gerry's sister Trish saying to Kate with a smile: "Don't you think it's time Cuddle Cat had a bath?~" And on about Day 71 she finally did, a fact not lost on the photographers.

During the many conversations I had with the couple we spoke of many things, not just Madeleine.

They were interested in my voluntary work with the Liberal Democrats (I contested West Dorset in 2005 for the Lib Dems at the General Election) and I remember how we laughed about the story of Charles Kennedy, the party's former leader, being ticked off by police for smoking out of a train window.

And even though Madeleine dominated the news coverage – and, it goes without saying, the couple's thoughts – there were times when they expressed interest in other news from back home.

We spoke, for instance, of the terror attack on Glasgow airport in July. I remember Gerry, a doctor, on hearing the description of the burns one of the suspects suffered when his Jeep struck the terminal and burst into flames, saying straight away that the man would not live. It turned out he was right.

It didn't take long for me to get to know the routine the couple established as a means of getting through each day.

Justine says that if Kate and Gerry were physically apart they would be on the phone, all the time, and not just because of their extraordinary situation.

The first thing Kate did every morning was to say a prayer for Madeleine.

She then got the twins showered and dressed. After getting ready themselves, Kate and Gerry would take the children to kids' club, before stopping off at my apartment to discuss plans for the day.

The twins were a great distraction. They helped give Kate the will to get out of bed each morning.

Several times a week, Kate would go to the Catholic church in Praia. Her faith gave her hope and strength.

And both of them, particularly Gerry, kept themselves busy as a way of dealing with their trauma.

Gerry would work on the computer, sending and answering emails, in one of their rented villa's spare bedrooms which he had converted into an office.

Kate would sit on the veranda outside going through the mountain of letters. If any appeared to contain possible information they were passed straight to the police.

Every letter, even the strangest ones, were read with care. There were often toys for the twins and presents for Madeleine, which remained in their wrapping paper, awaiting her safe return.

The villa was cool and quite dark, and stood at the end of a short private drive. I remember thinking that it offered the McCanns a kind of sanctuary, and I think they felt that way, too.

Any donations were given straight away to the 'Find Madeleine' fund administrator, including all the cheques made out to Kate and Gerry, rather than the fund.

Naturally, Kate and Gerry were also contacted by people who thought they could help find Madeleine. One was Danny Kruegel, a South African former policeman who had invented a machine that, he said, could help locate people by testing a sample of their hair.

It sounds far-fetched. But he had apparently been successful in South Africa. He was very clear that the process was based on science, which appealed to the McCanns.

More recently, Mr Kruegel has been portrayed as something of a crank, but I can only say that at the time he was taken seriously.

After protracted negotiations with the authorities, he came to Portugal. Using samples of hair found on a brush Madeleine used, he set about working out where a search area should be concentrated.

After he left Portugal, Kate told me that Mr Kruegel had taken different readings, none of which really varied, implying that over the days he was in Praia da Luz, Madeleine's position had not changed or she had not moved.

I think the word that was used to describe the readings was "cold". I had the impression Mr Kruegel's machine had indicated where a body might be found.

The police warned Kate and Gerry when they would start the new search. They told me and I contacted the people I liaised with at the Foreign Office, British Embassy in Lisbon and Leicestershire Police.

Everyone was on stand-by, ready and hoping for a breakthrough.

Kate, Gerry and I thought that the reporters in Praia da Luz would spot the police searching, so we were prepared for the inevitable questions and comments.

One morning while I was working, I saw a military-style helicopter circling for what seemed like hours over Praia da Luz.

I thought I would be bombarded with questions about it when I went to see the media later, but not one was forthcoming.

In the event, the search sadly wasn't successful, of course. Once more the hope of a breakthrough had evaporated.

On August 3, we made the 55-mile journey to Huelva, the closest Spanish city to Praia da Luz, to distribute Find Madeleine posters and talk to locals.

It was a visit that would later assume significance, for all the wrong reasons. For it would be later suggested that Madeleine's body was disposed of at this point. How this could be thought possible, I have no idea.

Kate and Gerry were, after all, accompanied by a cameraman, who was filming a documentary, and Kate's old friend Jon Corner.

And as always their every move was shadowed by reporters and photographers. If they had dumped Madeleine's body, someone surely would have witnessed something.

The allegations would come later. Up until that point, at least, the couple's relationship with the police was good.

There were once-a-week meetings to discuss progress and, by and large, the detectives were receptive to ideas from Kate and Gerry, who were careful not to air their impatience at the slow pace of the investigation.

The relationship, which had been characterised by its informality (one weekend Kate and Gerry even went to a barbecue at the home of one of the officers) cooled significantly in mid August.
The meetings all but ended. And the phone calls, once unfailingly cordial, suddenly seemed aggressive and much less frequent.

When the police did ring, I think the detectives did little to disguise their suspicions.
At the same time, stories, apparently leaked by the police, began to appear in the Portuguese Press about the possible involvement of the McCanns in Madeleine's disappearance.

To the British Press I described the couple's relationship with the police during this period as having become more "formal". In truth, it had become downright hostile.

It must have been a few weeks later when, on a Monday afternoon, the McCanns received a call that triggered the second nightmarish phase of Kate's ordeal.

A police officer said that they wanted to question Kate later in the week. And he ended the conversation with a firm, devastating warning: "Kate should expect to be made an 'arguida' [formal suspect]."

Kate screamed in disbelief when she heard she was going to be declared a suspect in her daughter's case.

Everyone said the same thing – it was unbelievable.

So when Kate was interviewed on Thursday and again the following day, when she was indeed made an 'arguida', she was fully aware what was coming.

That did not make it any easier, of course. While Kate was being questioned on Friday morning Gerry was very agitated. He paced around on the phone, speaking to lawyers.

The police seemed to be working on the theory that Kate killed Madeleine, accidentally or otherwise, and that Gerry was instrumental in covering up the death.

After the relentless questioning ended, it was announced publicly that Kate had been made a formal suspect.

Afterwards, I drove Kate away from the police station and was struck by how she appeared both stoical and devastated.

And I got the distinct impression that the police had offered her a deal, or put considerable pressure on her to admit that she harmed Madeleine.

Amazingly, I was also given the impression that her lawyer initially seemed to think she should take the deal and admit she harmed her daughter.

Perhaps he was doing this to test her. I don't know. Either way, Kate was absolutely adamant that she would not be going along with any plea bargaining.

After all, this is a woman with a 'black and white' understanding of the truth.

I told Kate that the twins were being looked after by the wife of Father Haynes Hubbard, parish priest for Praia da Luz, whom Kate and Gerry had come to know well and regard as a much-valued friend.

I said I could take her there or straight to the villa. She wanted to see her children immediately. That was typical of her. Her family was the most important thing in her life.

During the journey back to Praia I reflected on the incredible events of the past week. I was absolutely clear in my own mind about Kate and Gerry's innocence.

While no one is perfect, I simply could not believe that the woman next to me had harmed Madeleine. And I did not believe, as was being suggested, that Gerry masterminded some kind of cover-up.

At the time, I described the allegations publicly as ludicrous. Nothing has happened to change that view. Had I been in any doubt I would have left the campaign immediately and gone to the British police.

But I never understood why they did not take the children with them for supper at the tapas bar on the evening Madeleine disappeared.

My two sisters, one a mother of four, the other a mother of five, have told me that is what they would do, as have plenty of other friends.

But then I don't have three children under the age of four. I, like many others, am hardly in a position to judge. I know it was a decision Kate has always deeply regretted.

A few weeks before Gerry and Kate were made suspects, friends and family had urged Kate to return to Britain with Gerry and the twins.

Gerry believed it was time to go back. But, having come to the Algarve as a family of five, Kate did not want to leave as a family of four.

In her mind it would represent an admission, symbolically perhaps, that she had given up hope, that it was the end.

In the end, she did agree – only for the sake of the twins – that they would leave Portugal in early September, when the lease on the villa ended.

When the time came we hugged at the airport and said our goodbyes. I watched Kate and Gerry walk away.

I then went back to Praia to brief the British Press for a final time, before packing. I caught a flight later that day and I was glad to be going home.

On the flight home I remember thinking that unless Madeleine was found, the McCanns would never be able to fully rebut speculation and rebuild their lives.

I feel desperately for Kate McCann. Her life has been ruined by the constant speculation and the continuing mystery surrounding her daughter's disappearance. She loathes the media spotlight.
She has to live with the knowledge that she and Gerry were not there when their daughter needed them most, something I know she deeply regrets.

Gerry has to live with the knowledge that he failed as a father and a husband in a basic duty, to protect his family. That, surely, is a terrible burden to carry, for any man.

One year after Madeleine's disappearance, I hope for Kate, Gerry and the sake of their two remaining children the media interest now ends.

I hope Madeleine is found, but I fear that will never happen. I hope the McCanns can find some sort of resolution, in private, to this hideous set of events.

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